i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There's always time for handjobs
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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