Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
