Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
