You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You made out with two different species that night
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
