My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
