pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
