i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
