this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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