This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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