she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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