I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
