he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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