No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
