This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
