I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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