Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
