i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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