His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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