meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
