Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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