how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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