I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
