Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
