we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize