I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
