So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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