Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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