it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
