My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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