I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
