Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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