just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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