yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
