Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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