My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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