i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
