I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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