pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
