He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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