yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
