In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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