Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
