The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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