I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
zippers are such a cool invention
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
