I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i think i just lost a toe
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
