afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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