I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
