I will die if light touches me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
