I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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