so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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