woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
