His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
