You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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