I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
