I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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