You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
