im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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