I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
