ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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