the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
