i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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