I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
