the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
