I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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